Quote of the Day
Below are some jokes that you, the humble reader, have sent in.
Think you know any better ones? Then send them to us!

100 things not to say when visiting a garden centre

A good friend is always there to bail you out of jail and a best friend is in the cell next to you saying "damn that was fun!"

A blonde was pulled over by a policeman, because she was zig-zagging all over the road, and he asked her 'what do you think you are doing?' She said I swerved because there was a tree in front of me and then there was another one on the other side, they just kept appearing. The policeman looked into the car and said "that is your air freshener!!!"

Why did the man cross the road? because he was stuck in the chicken

I know of no one who is happily married except my husband.

Why can't you tell blondes knock-knock jokes? A:Because they leave to answer the door.

Whats black, white and red all over? Half a Cat

I like to have a Martini. Two at the very most. After 3, I'm under the table. After 4 I'm under my host!

Did your har the story about the three eggs? No?? Two bad!

Where do Rabbits learn to fly? In the Hare Force.

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The man places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks, "What if I swallow it?" "No problem, son," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

If Bill Clinton had been onboard the Titanic,on it's maiden voyage, the iceberg would have sunk!!!

An irish man put his false teeth in backwards and ate himself

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary, those who do and those that don't!

"Constipation is the thief of time but Diarrhoea waits for no man!

Q: What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers? A: A nervous wreck

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.

The trouble with political jokes is that very often they get elected.

I ordered a thin and crispy Supreme from my local pizza shop... they sent me Diana Ross!

How do you know when you've passed an elephant?""You can't get the toilet seat down!"

Question: What do you call an Arab dairy farmer? Answer: A milk Sheikh

What's green and goes weeee in a blender? Kermit the frog.

How do you confuse the village idiot? Put him in a round room & tell him to go stand in the corner

Michael Barrymore to star in a new bbc series, "only pools and corpses"

"What do you call a man with a Seagull on his head?" Cliff!

Women have many faults but men have only two,everything they say and everything they do

An A road and a Motorway walk into a pub, the Motorway turns white and starts shaking. "Whats wrong?" asks the A Road. "Look over in the corner" replies the Motorway, "there's a 'cyclepath' over there!"

What did the runner bean say to the tomato? "Come on ketchup!"

The bee gees are re-releasing their song how deep is your love and re-naming it how deep is your bruv

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When you have a headache, Take NOTHING because NOTHING works better than anadin

How many psychiatrists does it take to turn on a light bulb?
One, but the light bulb has to want to change. - From Stephanie

There were 4 nuns and they all wanted to watch a TV program. one was apollo 13. one was keep fit. one was casulty. one was songs of praise. They decided to watch two minutes of each, justto be fair. So it turned out like this:
"and their off"
"up and down up and down"
"oh my god shes having a baby"
"'and the baby was born'"

there were 3 people who wanted to be nuns, and at the end of there training they were told by the head nun to ' do something bad then come back and drink from the holy water'. So the nuns went away and came back the next day. The head nun turned to the first nun wannabe and said 'what did you do that was bad' and the first nun replied ' i robbed a bank and stabbed 14 people' so the 1st nun wannabe went and drank the holy water. The 2nd nun said ' i shot a man when he was walking down the street' so she went and drank from the holy water. When the 3rd nun wannabe was asked, she looked around and whispered ' i put sionide in the holy water!!!'

Only dead fish go with the flow

Men are like parking spaces, they're either taken or disabled.

Santa clause and an intelligent man were in a room and the light bulb went. Who would change it? Santa clause. because there is no such thing as an intelligent man.

How do you make a hormone? Don't pay her!

This guy likes two girls. one named Lorain and one named Clearly. One day Lorain dies so the guy starts singing "I can see Clearly now Lorain is gone"

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender says, "do you realize that you have a steering wheel in your pants?" The pirate responds, "Arr, they're drivin me nuts." (from Danielle)

There are three types of people in this world, people who can count, and people that can't. - From Curtis

Q: What is the difference between peanuts and deer nuts?
A: Peanuts are $1.25 and deer nuts are under a buck! - Christie

1 . Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one? You have to hollow out the head.

2. Why won't they hire Blondes as pharmacists? They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters

3. Hear about the blonde that got an AM RADIO? It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

4. What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training.

5. Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? To see what was on the other side.

6. How did the blonde die drinking milk? The cow stepped on her.

7. How did the blonde burn her nose? Bobbing for French fries.

8. Why do blondes have more fun? They are easier to amuse.

9. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer? Frosted flakes.

10. Why can't blondes put in light bulbs? They keep breaking them with the hammer.

11. Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow in the air? She missed.

12. What is it when a blonde blows into another blondes ear? Data transfer.

13. Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children? Because she read that one child out of every four born was Chinese.

14. Why did the blonde put make-up on her forehead? She wanted everyone to know that she was able to make up her mind.

15. Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out light bulbs? She needed them for the darkroom she was building.

16. Why are the Japanese so smart? No blondes.

17. What is the biggest advantage to marrying a blonde? You get to park in the Handicapped Zone.

What do you call a man with a spade in his head? Dug

What do you call a man thats drowning? Bob

Knock Knock. Who's there? Europe. Europe who?

A blonde is in the cinema with her boyfriend. She begins to feel quite peckish so her boyfriend goes to get some snacks. He comes back with some M&M's. The blonde takes them, opens the packet and begins to eat them but picks out all the brown ones. The boyfriend asks, 'Why are you picking out all the brown ones?' The blonde replys, 'I'm allergic to chocolate.' - From Katie Smith

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence... I think not!" - from Jami
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