Gardening Jokes

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We hope you enjoy this selection of unfortunate things to say in a garden centre, kindly contributed by Keith Robertshaw.

1) Have you anything pink that grows to about 9"

2) Wife to husband "I'm not letting you put it in because it always shrivels up"

3) "When you rub your fingers against it, it smells terrible I know it's all over my hand."

4) "We tried it in the shade and up against the fence and still it wouldn't grow big enough"

5) "You know the spot love, the spot by the back passage"

6) "He tried Miracle Grow but it didn't make any difference"

7) "Have you anything that grows to about 9" that would go in a wet place?"

8) "It gets so dry we can't do a thing"

9) When does this come, summer or winter?"

10) We tried it in the front and then in the back it seemed better when we had on the patio.

11) Will you be having it again?

12) Can you take my telephone number and then ring me when you get it in.

13)How often do you get it in?

13a)Will you let me know when you get it in?

13b) Will you let me know when it comes?

14) My husband said he would like a bigger one.

15) My next-door neighbour liked it so much, when it got big enough my husband poked it through the fence into next doors garden. They were ever so grateful.

16) We look at it all the time, it gives me so much pleasure. I would like another one like it. Can you find one for me?

17) He sprays all the plants with it every week.

18) How deep should we put it for the best results?

19) Do I have to do anything special to make it grow?

20) We were told that it was hardy but it shrivelled during the winter.

21) I moved it to a different position and it's much better now.

22) Do you remember me? I'm the lady that told you my husband wasn't any good in the garden. We now have a gardener and he will do anything for us. He's forking the roses today.

23) I just don't have the energy anymore; I just leave the gardener to do it on his own.

24) He said he wanted it in the greenhouse but I said we'd have it in the conservatory.

25) Is it better in the shade or full sun?

26) I'm looking for something to fill my wet area.

27) Have you got Gunnarea?

28) Have you got anything to stop the wind?

29) How long will it take to grow big enough to eat?

30) If I put it all in will it be better?

30a) I've been told the further you put it in the better it is.

31) I must go home now and do something dirty before I go back to work.

32) I want a big stiff hard one (brush)

33) We can't do it now it's the wrong time of the month.

34) I want my hole filled before the frost comes.

35) My husband works away and I want him to put it in before he goes.

36) We had it in the corner but it just went floppy on us.

37) We had it last year and I didn't like it so we are not trying it again.

38) My son tried to do it for me but he couldn't manage it.

39) My first husband tried it, now I'll see if my second can manage it without falling of the ladder.

40) It lasted all summer and then it fell off.

41) Do you get hold o!f them often?

42) I wish we could find one as good as the one we had when we got married.

43) If I decided I wanted it would you put it in for me?

44) We only have it on the wall facing west.

45) My mother said to be careful I might get a rash.

46) Does it grow any bigger than 6?

47) I'm not very good; my wife says she needs a gardener to do it.

48) We are better at it now we are retired and have more time.

49) My wife prefers it on the side of the bed facing east.

50) What are those dangly bits for?

51) I felt better after it had been in a while.

52) It turned red in the autumn.

53) I think it prefers full sun.

54) Would my pussy like catmint?

55) Is it the wrong time of the month for putting it in?

56) It lasts longer if you freeze it.

57) Do you wipe the bottom first?

58) The more I pull it the bigger it gets.

59) As my husband pulls it out the more it grows.

60) I always feel better when I've been in the garden.

61) How clean should it be before I put it in?

62) Should we try it in the greenhouse?

63) I need a man to do it for me.

64) How long do the batteries last? more than an hour I hope.

65) We have moved into a flat now because we were always at it when we had a garden.

66) We come here for advice from someone with experience on how to do it.

67) Is it true if I put it in deeper it will avoid wilting?

68) I have a dry area, what do you think I should do to make keep it wet.

69) It feels like heaven now, I can spend all day in there and she doesn't mind at all.

70) How do I keep them fresh when I go on holiday?

71) My husband tries to keep the squirrels from eating his nuts off the table.

72) Have you fat balls?

73) How often do you get your nuts in?

74) He puts his nuts out every day for the passing birds.

75) He tries to give it to the birds every week.

76) We have it in the greenhouse in winter.

77) It starts to grow around Easter time.

78) It was very small for the first year and now we can't cope with it.

79) It took a long time to grow but it was worth it in the end.

80) We were told it would grow in the spring and we are still waiting.

81) My wife says she can't wait much longer.

82) She said she wanted a big one so I gave her mine.

83) It was pink and now it's turned blue.

84) We had it on the bench in the greenhouse first and then tried it in the hall.

85) Have you any books on propagation?

86) Alan Titchmarsh says you should visit your local garden centre to learn how to do it.

87) Do you give a guarantee on everything?

88) Do I need batteries for it?

89) How long should it last?

90) We put it in last night.

91) Do think I should tie it to a cane for support?

92) Does the cold weather affect yours?

93) It feels much better when the sun is out.

94) It looks much better when it's out.

95) We want them to have it on their wedding anniversary..

96) If he were still alive he would put it in for me.

97) We tried it in an old wheelbarrow but it didn't last long there.

98) Do you have a slow release?

99) I was told it would be better under the tree.

100) His mother tried it once. You should see the result.

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