Quotations
I'll bring "The Hammer," let's have a Thorsome.
I'd like to meet a guy named Art. I'd take him to a museum, hang him on the wall, criticize him and leave.
Silence is golden, and gold is up these days, so silence is a solid investment.
Some people use laughter as a weapon. It's all very funny until someone loses an eye. But then I guess it just makes the joke even funnier, because you never see it coming.
Some people think nature is their God. I'd like to apologize to all those people for pissing non their religion.
Marriage is the dearth of sex as we know it.
Not getting laid can be a crippling experience, but then I don't go looking for sex along the interstate.
Half of what I write is garbage, but if I don't write it down it decomposes in my head.
If you have to dig to find yourself, you are probably dead.
Alcohol is the motorcycle of beverages. Liver fast, die young.
I haven't met many lawyers that I didn't like. But then again, I haven't met many lawyers.
When sex is Freon any occasion, it usually involves something dripping and toxic. At least that's what my mechanic tells me.
If religion is a crutch, then society is the broken foot.
Fear is healthy. I wish it came in a pill. I'd bottle it up and sell it to little children and the elderly.
She was like a football. Everybody had their hands on her, and I just wanted to kick her.
A banker is a man who will lend you the short sleeve shirt off his back, and demand a long sleeve one in return.
Never chew off the hand you write with, you might survive and have to sign autographs.
-Jarod Kintz
Courage is a commodity I sell in times of peace. But then my father was a chicken farmer.
Courage is a vitamin best swallowed with whiskey.
I'm not afraid of death, I'm just not sure there is life after the honeymoon.
I wish I had a crystal bowl to see into the future with. Every morning I would eat my cereal out of it while I read tomorrow's newspaper.
Loneliness is an unlonely feeling, since everyone experiences it from time to time.
The internet's a great way to meet people. You never really know someone until you see their fake profile.
I wish I had five wives, one for each day of the work week. This would leave me the weekends to enjoy time with my two mistresses.
Fear is like a car. Either you control it, or you let it paralyze you.
Your fate is like a new jar of peanut butter. It may be sealed, you you can choose whether it is smooth or crunchy.
Good friends are like appendages. It's painful to lose one, and crippling to lose two or more.
If you're looking to take a long, beautiful drive through life, you might not want to take the cynic view.
If you could buy time, I would sell it. Yesterday would be expensive, and tomorrow would be cheap.
The idea of adultery is like a soccer ball. Yeah, you might kick it around for a while, but if you actually wind up scoring, you get slapped with a huge penalty.
Some people use laughter as a weapon. It's all very funny until someone loses an eye. But then I guess it just makes the joke even funnier, because you never see it coming.
A lot of people like wife swapping. I've got such a great wife I would only swap with a Mormon. It'd have to be a two-for-one deal.
The fields of science are full of crop circles that can't yet be explained by scientific means.
I had a Chinese girlfriend who asked me how much she meant to me. I know very little Chinese, so I responded, "Chicken Lo Mein."
I met a man from Columbia who had a table for a back. I asked if it was a coffee table. He got offended and thought I was stereotyping him. How was I supposed to know it was a Three-drawer Wuchow Console Table?
Whenever you have a goal, it's a good idea to have both a plan A and a back-up Plan B, unless you are illeterate. But in that case you are probably homeless and have no goals anyway.
If I had four fingers growing out of my forehead, I wouldn't try to play the piano with my nose.
I work hard for my money. It feels very liberating to be broke.
-Jarod Kintz
If financial genius were legs, my girlfriend would own fourteen pairs of Jimmy Choos, and not have a single foot to put one on.
-Jarod Kintz
I consider conversations with people to be mind exorcizes. But I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning.
-Jarod Kintz
I did a charity walk the other day. They asked for money, and I walked.
-Jarod Kintz
The only time I really think is when I smoke, and I quit smoking years ago.
Ideas are like legs: what good are they if you can't run with them, or spread them?
I am possibly the world's greatest magician, because I don't just vanish off stage, I vanish from your memory. I'll bet you're probably thinking, "I don't remember seeing you," or "I've never seen you." And that just goes to show you how good I am.
I met a man with no forehead and receding eyebrows. He had ketchup crusted on his eye lids. I can't remember what we talked about, I just remember him smelling like chicken feed.
I think we should change the amount of time in each day. Sunday thru Friday should be reduced from 24 hours down to ten minutes, and Saturday would become a 167 hour day. That way, when people ask me what I did all week I could truthfully respond, "I slept all week. But I got a hell of a lot done on Saturday."
If, instead of having ten fingers, I had ten combs for fingers, I'd love to meet Donald Trump, just so I could run my fingers through his hair.
I'm the only person I know who has slept throgh a fire drill. Apparently, I pulled the alarm. Yeah, I sleepwalk. Sometimes I sleep run. I was asleep when I ran the Boston Marathon. I was so tired when I finished that I slept for another sixteen hours.
If sex were shoes, I'd wear you out. But I wouldn't wear you out in public.
Politics are like shoes. On one side you have the left, and on the other side you have the right. And every politician is essentially a shoe salesman trying to sell you one shoe, either the left or the right, whichever one he stands for. So I guess the only people who vote with complete confidence on election day are the ones with only one leg, and who's political stance matches their needs exactly. But I must say, a person loses a lot of personal freedom when they only have one leg.
Any advice I might give a depressed person comes in the form of cyanide, and usually is a bit hard for them to swallow.
If anger were money, only a fool would greedily save it up. And a wise man would let it slip out of his heart like change slips out of his pants pockets.
Nearly all of the men I admire are dead, because admiration is fueled by mystery. And what's more mysterious than death? Nothing. Well, besides women, of course.
Friends, like fingers, are only good if you can count on them, as well as point them in the right direction.
For most Americans, money and calories are always on their minds, although they burn too much of one and not enough of the other.
For men, money, like sex, is something that nearly everybody wants more of, and unless you are famous or influential, you probably have to work hard to get any.
There are two typos of people in this world: those who can edit, and those who can't.
Women love to talk. I'll bet Van Gogh had a woman. And I'll bet she talked his ear off.
If you catch me talking in my sleep, your conversation bored me.
I like wearing gloves made of cheese(Swiss), and then going around asking elderly men if they want a knuckle sandwich.
Communicating, like undressing someone, can effectively be done with your eyes.
If girlfriends were knees, I'd love to have both of mine replaced. That way, it'd be easier to run around on them.
I think good advice for a father to give to his only son would be, "Don't make the same mistake I made with your mother. Remember to pull out."
Somebody once asked me where I come up with my stuff. I replied, "Who knows? Where does yellow snow come from? It's just a gift from God I guess."
I've been able to sleep with my eyes open ever since I started watching baseball.
I call my thumb Napoleon, because I rarely ever lose a thumb war. Also because my thumb's so small, and I wear a tiny funny hat and cape on it.
Most people fight with their fists. But I fight with my legs. I fight to stay, but they fight to run. Luckily for them, I don't fight very hard.
I am quite possibly the world's bravest coward. I have never backed down from backing down from a fight.
I want to design sleeveless jackets for armless men. I'm still trying to work out how they would zip it up though.
Only a fool would trade his cow for a large jar filled with grass blades and a tall glass of milk. But an even bigger fool would eat all the grass and drink all of the milk in one sitting. I was once that glutonous fool.
Nine out of ten Jarod Kintzes agree that there is only one Jarod Kintz.
In a battle, an army of farts would surely beat an army of noses, even if those noses were armed with fingers that could flick long-range boogers.
My uncle's a big drinker. In fact, he just got a liver transplant. They replaced it with a bottle of whiskey.
Everywhere I go I'm too focused on everyone else to realize that they are too focused on themselves. And by everyone else I basically mean myself. It's hard to think about someone else when that someone else reminds you of you.
With the money I spend on alcohol, I could support a family of four, assuming they are all heavy drinkers that is.
If flowers were boogers, I'd definitely pick several large ones and flick them on your grave.
What I lack in courage I more than make up for in underwear. I am possibly the bravest coward to ever go commando.
When my girlfriend told me she was late, I told her, "That's funny... because MY sperm was absent."
If fake friends were hair, I'd be bald. But I'd have a toupee full of true friends. And I'd proudly wear them out in public, and treat them to the finest shampoos.
The pinnacle of every conversation is coming to the point.
If anybody can appreciate fine music, it's me. I mean who else can hit multiple octaves with their armpits?
I once met a man who couldn't think outside of the box. So one day, while he was thinking, I taped the box shut and mailed him to Maine. UPS reported that the box was missing, so I guess he's still lost in thought.
Friends are like orgasms: you can never have too many, but just try to watch out for the fake ones.
If flip flops were oppressive, I wouldn't wear any. I'd go around showing of my bare feet of freedom. And I'd tell everyone that freedom causes blisters.
Is there relationship insurance? You know, in case someone steals your significant other? If not, there should be.
I don't like questions at all if they are anything like how I like my mashed potatoes: loaded.
The perfect date consists of dinner, dancing, and sex, with a girl who has no stomach or legs.
To me, a good friend is one who doesn't talk, but who listens all the time. Someone who is observant. Someone who wiretaps your phone lines. I consider myself a good friend.
I sure hope Wrigley doesn't start making socks, because then I wouldn't be able to refuse if someone offered me some socks. I sure do love chewing on socks. They add lots of flavor while I'm biting my toenails.
I'm sure glad socks are made out of cotton, and not ice-cube trays, because I don't like keeping my socks in the freezer. Because if I did that, then where would I keep my underwear?
Sometimes I wear sunglasses while I urinate, and pretend that my pee is a solar laser beam that will cut through my pants and legs if a direct hit occurs. I'm sure glad I am only pretending though, because it wouldn't be fun to lose both my legs every day.
Sometimes I still get the urge to stuff asparagus up my nostrils, even though I don't like the way it makes my pee smell.
Masturbation, like writing, is best when your mind is working faster than your hand.
A drunk can't follow a line of reasoning, even if it is a double white line.
If your nipples were on your eye lids, then and only then would I give you eye contact while you are talking to me.
I like my relationships like I like my eggs: over easy.
I wouldn't say I'm superficial, just averagely ficial.
My girlfriend Likes Sex In The City. Trouble is, I live in the country.
I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side.
Someday I want to write the Boston Marathon of run-on sentences. And since it'll be so long, I'll replace all the commas with the word Gatorade, to help push people through it.
If girlfriends were knees, I'd love to have both of mine replaced. That way, it'd be easier to run around on them.
I sure wish deodorant tasted like butter, because then I could keep mashed potatoes warm and tasty in my armpits all day long.
Sometimes I still get the urge to stuff asparagus up my nostrils, even though I don't like the way it makes my pee smell.
I did a charity walk the other day. They asked for money, and I walked.
Somebody once asked me where I come up with my stuff? I replied, "Who knows? Where does yellow snow come from? It's just a gift from God I guess."
Yesterday I memorized Shakespeare, and tomorrow I'm also going to memorize his first name.
Pride must be a summer thing, because it "comes before the fall."
I'd like to see a flag made not out of stars and stripes, but rather fingers and knuckles, so that it could really wave in the wind. It would be the most welcoming flag in all the world.
Her golden hair moved like a hundred moths, all trying to saturate themselves in sunlight, while his hair was spiked like cleats, and he wore a shoe for a hat. He said it helped him to headstands while looking up her dress.
I have aspirations of becoming the first man to put on a chicken suit, cross the road, and then explain my motives for doing so. I guess you could say that right now I am an egg, and my dream is an omelet; I see myself in my dream, yet it is greater and more colorful than even I am.
If I could go back in time, I'd love to whisper sweet nothings in Van Gogh's ear, but not while it was attached to his head.
On my desk are two things: an unfinished research paper due tomorrow, and a goat, and I don't feel like doing either of them.
I think Gummy Bears should be the universal symbol for peace, because peace leads to prosperity, prosperity leads to decadence, and decadence leads to diabetes.
I think Starbucks would go out of business if more people were to Superglue their eyelids open when they felt tired.
I wish somebody would have told my grandpa about the Cold War, so he could have at least put on a jacket.
I will never buy a fish tank, because I don't support aquatic war machines.
If I could rotate my neck 180 degrees, like an owl, I'd go around wearing backwards baseball caps, just to mess with people.
I like to spoon after I fork.
I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair.
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I want to create a seventeen-syllable word that encompasses the human condition, and then use that word to form the world's most perfect haiku.
I would hate to see seventeen people with monosyllabic names like Mike or Ann die, but if they did, and you wrote down all their names in groups of 5-7-5, you'd have one tragic haiku.
Someday I want to write a sixteen-syllable Haiku about the death and disappearance of a monosyllabic word.
Even if there was only seventeen syllables left in the universe, I still don't think The Mythical Mr. Boo would write a Haiku.
It's not about the chest, it's all about the booty.
I have a fear of palindromes. Maybe because the only person to ever beat the hell out of me was a man named Lil’ Il.
I’ve always wanted to send a message in a bottle, with my message saying something like, “Don’t litter.”
The other day I went to the Huddle House. I wasn’t hungry, I just wanted to call some plays.
I want to be able to convert sunlight to iron, because your body needs it to live, particularly if an attacker is wielding a sword at you.
Maybe I will buy my nephew an aquarium for his next birthday. It’s got to be better than the bathroom sink, which is where my brother is keeping him now.
I think homeless people, like rainwater, are better off in street gutters, rather than just hanging out on my roof.
I make art for one person and one person only. And as soon as I find that one person, I sure hope he has a lot of wall space, because he’ll be getting a lot of art from me.
People used to tell me that when I smile I really warm up the room. Well, the moment someone told me about global warming I frowned, and in that exact moment it started to snow. So, if you see me walking around with a furrow on my brow, you’ll know what I’m doing: I’m helping to save Mother Earth.
I had to stop selling stick-figure portraits of women at the beach, after too many customers complained I was making them look “too fat.”
To me, the most confusing part about golf is that I don’t know whether I’d rather actually be playing golf, or sitting on the green composing haikus about the landscaping.
I wish I had eyes that changed colors from blue to gray, and then after I cried, to all the colors of the rainbow, because then I’d just sit in front of the mirror writing poems that alternated between extremely sad poems, to poems about light refraction and blinking promises.
The future is right around the corner from a bar called, “Yesterdays.” I know, I work there every tomorrow.
Walking along the sidewalk and staring at the street, I couldn’t help but wonder if my date was thinking how provocative the term “manhole cover” is.
I remember in elementary school, Mother used to write my name on every single pair of my underwear. I guess she did that so none of my classmates would mistake my lunch for theirs.
I had to quit my cab driving job because I had no way to get to work. The problem was I kept calling myself to come pick me up.
If I were a taxi cab driver, as lots of writers supposedly are, and my boss were to tell me that I couldn’t read on the job, I’d obediently go around running every STOP sign.
Sometimes I wish Jim Morrison were still alive, because I’d love to see a concert in which “The Doors” opened up for “The Cars.”
Most people walk along the beach hoping to find a fossilized Megalodon shark’s tooth or something. But not me. I walk along hoping to find a fossilized pirate with a fossilized wooden leg, for my collection, which I’ll start once I find the first one.
Flowers and fear are a lot alike. For one, flowers and fear have a distant smell, and two, I’m currently trying to grow both in my garden.
I’ve always felt that the best place to hide a body is in the trunk of a cop car, with a note affixed to the body that reads, “I’m sorry.”
If the world were coming to an end tomorrow, I’d probably call in sick.
A lot of people go searching for “Truth.” But they can’t be searching too hard, because very few of them ever think to look under my bed.
I like to keep a shotgun in my room for protection. You know, just in case my apartment gets broken into by a pack of deer, which is something I’m constantly worrying about.
I often laugh at a dog that chases its own tail. But aren’t there some people out there who spend a lot of time “chasing their own tails?” Well, maybe those people should seriously consider getting their tails surgically removed. It did wonders for my self-esteem.
If I were stranded in the woods with nothing to eat but nuts, berries, and the complete works of Allen Ginsberg, I’d eat the latter first, because at least the nuts and berries might be inspirational to my poetry.
My uncle was always trying to staple rodents and small mammals to my torso when I was growing up. He’d always say, “Come on, this will put hair on your chest.” No, thanks, I’d say. I’ll stick to super-gluing wigs across my pecks.
If I had nostrils on my index fingers, I wonder what the inside of my nose would smell like?
My close friends are fond of telling me that I put the “yalt” in loyalty. Well, I don’t know if I’d go that far with it, but yeah, I guess I am a pretty yalty person.
If God had wanted men to swim, he would have taught fish to fish. But fish don’t fish, and neither do I, but it’s also the reason I don’t swim.
I’ve often thought of becoming a professional hat designer. I’d make hats with many feathers, hats that wake you up in the morning, hats that lay eggs, and, most importantly, hats that can be eaten for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
Moral codes are like the ocean. Some people live by them, while others, such as myself, would rather live by a lake.
I’ve often been told I fight like a girl, probably because from the moment I whip off my bra, my opponent knows I mean business.
If I ever see an alien fishing in Scotland, and witness it catching the Loch Ness Monster, I’d probably assume the world would want me to write a poem about the event, rather than take pictures of it.
I can remember the first time I saw a train whistle, I thought, “Boy, those are some big lips.”
Some might say our destiny stems from our name. If this is true, then I weep for the flower named Wilt.
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