Emo Philips Quotes

Emo Philips quotations
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Emo Philips

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
Emo Philips quote

I said 'Are you a Christian or a Jew?' He said 'Christian.' I said 'Me too! Protestant or Catholic?' He said 'Protestant.' I said 'Me too! What franchise?' He said 'Baptist.' I said 'Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?' He said 'Northern Baptist.' I said 'Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Reform Baptist?' He said 'Northern Conservative Baptist.' I said 'Me too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist or Northern Conservative Reform Baptist?' He said 'Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist.' I said 'Me too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region or Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Eastern Region?' He said 'Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region.' I said 'Me too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912 or Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region of 1850?' He said 'Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.' I said 'Die heretic!' And I pushed him off the bridge!
Emo Philips quote

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
Emo Philips quote

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.
Emo Philips quote

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
Emo Philips quote

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
Emo Philips quote

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Emo Philips quote

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
Emo Philips quote

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