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I said 'Are you a Christian or a Jew?' He said 'Christian.' I said 'Me too! Protestant or Catholic?' He said 'Protestant.' I said 'Me too! What franchise?' He said 'Baptist.' I said 'Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?' He said 'Northern Baptist.' I said 'Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Reform Baptist?' He said 'Northern Conservative Baptist.' I said 'Me too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist or Northern Conservative Reform Baptist?' He said 'Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist.' I said 'Me too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region or Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Eastern Region?' He said 'Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region.' I said 'Me too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912 or Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region of 1850?' He said 'Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.' I said 'Die heretic!' And I pushed him off the bridge!
View quotes by Emo Philips

Here are a list of Quotes from the delightful Northern Irish Comedian Danny McCrossan

Even the most powerful lie detector invented couldn’t drag a secret out of a woman, however, women rarely have lunch with lie detectors… - Danny McCrossan - Northern Irish Comedian

See women need to talk because they feel like they have to have adequate levels of communication in order to sustain a healthy and open relationship, whereas men are only driven to speak because of matters beyond their control, like not being able to find clean socks. - Danny McCrossan - Northern Irish Comedian.

In Pagan times, uninspired people made sacrifices at the altar, and today, thanks to marraige, many still do. - Danny McCrossan - Northern Irish Comedian.

When women are bored they do the usual things, they eat, they go shopping, they neurotically judge the looks of other women, but men, men invade another country! - Danny McCrossan - Northern Irish Comedian.

Anything that I’ve ever done that ended up worthwhile, initially scared me to death. Wether it was walking out on stage for that very first time, or asking a girl to include me in her plans for the future, but you know what, You have to risk everything sometimes or you risk even more. It’s not the challenges we face that define us, it’s the actions we take. - Danny McCrossan -Northern irish Comedian.

Everyone had big plans for me when I was younger, it was a cliche “Danny can do anything he wants to do” So I did the only thing I ever thought was worthwhile, bring laughter into the world. How I came to been seen as somewhat of a dissapointment to all those people who had made plans for me, well that still makes me chuckle. - Danny McCrossan - Northern Irish Comedian.

You learn alot in your teenage years, for instance I learned that if you’re ever being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a little tunnel, then onto a mini seesaw and then jump through a ring of fire, they’ve trained for that y’see. - Danny McCrossan - Northern Irish Comedian.

Asking people in Northern Ireland what they think of politics is like asking the Jews what they think of Hitler. - Danny MCrossan - Northern Irish Comedian.

There are too many warnings on packaging these days - defrost before eating - Use as directed - I mean, what’s next, you buy a packet of condoms, warning - may contain nuts! - Danny McCrossan - Northern Irish Comedian.

I say don’t conform, don’t allow yourself to be pigeon holed, it’s no good for the soul, and the pigeon doesn’t enjoy it either. - Danny McCrossan - Northern Irish Comedian.

I remember how nervous I was my very first gig and I remember when I walked out on stage and spoke those words, how the audience laughed and laughed. I swore, there and then, that one day I would have my revenge. - Danny McCrossan - Northern Irish Comedian.

The sign said “This door to remain closed at all times” Correct me if I’m wrong, but doesn’t that defeat the purpose of a door? - Danny McCrossan - Northern Irish Comedian.

View quotes by Danny McCrossan

Jamaica - they're not Northern Ireland, are they?
View quotes by Andrea Catherwood

A disease in the family that is never mentioned (Of the troubles in Northern Ireland)
View quotes by William Trevor

They will come for a victory and they will come to play football, not volleyball like Northern Ireland. [on England]
View quotes by Carlos Alberto

After that game I was as low as a snake's belly.
[on England's loss to Northern Ireland!]
View quotes by Rio Ferdinand

I hope that what happened in Northern Ireland will be repeated and at the end of the day he will be able to look back and say it was well worthwhile [on Tony Blair]
View quotes by Ian Paisley

People can use their accounts and carry on making their mortgage payments in the usual way [on Northern Rock crisis]
View quotes by Alistair Darling

I am not of French extraction. Nor are my origins German. My father's forbears came from Northern Ireland, and my mother's family was Scottish.
View quotes by Paul Getty

I believe that the Union Flag should change now to reflect the four nations of the United Kingdom - England, Scotland, Northern Ireland and Wales
View quotes by Ian Lucas

Obviously it is disappointing to not be taking Northern Ireland to the European Championships. But having discussed this at length with the chairman and the board, I understand the importance of focusing solely on the task ahead
View quotes by Lawrie Sanchez



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